The Darker Side Of Lust

It’s always the same. The topic of rape fantasy comes up in a workshop and a palpable sigh of the relief ripples through the circle, as each woman realizes she is not alone.

study in the Journal of Sex Research has estimated that up to 57 percent of women have fantasies of being raped or overpowered. From my experience working with sexuality over the past ten years and speaking to many women, I believe the number to be much higher than this.

For as long as I remember, I have always fantasized about being forced to perform sexual acts by a dominant male or being used and objectified by several men at the same time. I’ve never told my partners this – it’s something that has always remained in my fantasies, never played out in real life” says Sarah, a previous client of mine.

Some of us have had a history of sexual abuse, many of us haven’t, but what we all share in common is that while we might fantasize about being overpowered, it is exactly that: a fantasy, not something we actually want to experience in real life (without consent anyhow – but more about that later!). Or, as feminist writer Catherine Scott puts it: “While a woman being dominated in a BDSM scenario and a rape scene may look similar to the untrained viewer, they’re about as different from each other as skydiving and being shoved out of an airplane.” (BDSM stands for the consensual practice of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism)

Unfortunately, many women remain unaware of just how common their fantasy is, and like Sarah, have never told anyone, including their partners. Many feel burdened with the shame of feeling something is wrong with them and confusion as to why this is such a turn on for them.

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